Everyday Racism: Dating
I’ve been thinking, as I often do, and I have had a couple of realizations in the past couple of days.
For some of you reading this, I am the only black person you know personally and possibly the only constant voice of black people that you have in your life. If this is true, you need to go out and make some black friends, read some black writers, listen to some black podcasts. Also, I can only truly speak for myself and not all black people have the same opinions that I do.
This also puts a lot of weight on my shoulders, knowing that I am this token in your life. And I have been doing you and myself and all other black people a disservice by always maintaining the strong, independent, unflappable woman of color face. Why is this a disservice? Because it leads people to think that I haven’t had to deal with the same kind of racism that you see “on the internet” or “in the South” or that you hear about on the news. That I am somehow not touched by this and therefore, as the one black person in your life, it doesn’t affect anyone you know personally.
For this, I am sorry.
To try to set things pointed more towards truth, I’m going to start sharing more of my reality. Not the everyday racism of “but you’re so eloquent” and “yeah but you naturally have rhythm” and not the supremely impressive bullshit prejudice I have encountered as being mixed. These things are for other posts. For this post, I’m going to concentrate on anti-black racism (which is a *special* kind) that I encountered years ago when I was still dating.
Here are some racist things I heard, often more than once, while daring to search for a partner:
- “I don’t date black girls.”
- “I don’t date n***ers.”
- “I’ll fuck you, but I can’t date you.”
- “I’ll fuck you, but I can’t like, bring you around my friends and family.”
- “You’re not like other black girls.”
- “I have a fantasy of impregnating multiple black women.” This guy was from the Netherlands.
- “You will make such beautiful babies. I want brown babies.”
- “You’d be hotter if you were a little lighter.”
- “I like you. You don’t act black.”
- “I don’t go down on black women. I hear they’re unclean.”
- “I don’t go down on black women. I hear they taste terrible.”
- “After dating you, I will only date mixed black women from now on.” Because we’re all the same?
- “By dating white men you’re just another dumb n***er who perpetuates the slave narrative.” Thanks, black guy whose opinion I did not ask.
That’s all that I can remember off the top of my head. It took me about 10 minutes to write all that. I’m curious about all the horrible things that I have forgotten, that I have pushed down or out of my mind. Not everything above was only from white dudes. I encountered plenty of anti-black racism from Asians, Latinos, and Middle Eastern dudes as well.
On that note, I’m going to leave a link to this source for allies: https://kneesockchronicles.com/2017/08/13/share-this-some-hard-truths-and-ally-resources/